NOBODY VS SANTA CLAUS

[Handsome Harley]

Standard Singles Match
Nobody
vs
Santa Claus

[Santa Claus]

A chilly arctic blast of air whips around as the scene fades in to a snowy mountaintop. In all four directions, all that can be seen is snow upon snow. The few remaining bits of color are the brown spots of mud, dirt and portions of trees which have survived up here for decades. But this is where Santa Claus is seen standing. He is at one of the sloped peaks of this mountain, staring off the side of a 300 yard drop. It's a long way down and the arctic wind is biting up here, but Santa Claus doesn't seem to be affected by any of it.

Santa Claus: HO HO HO! I am Santa Claus and I am here to bring some honor, dignity and respect to HEW. I've been wandering the halls and the arenas and I'm tired of seeing these naughty boys in the HEW begging for championship title matches and pleading for someone to recognize them. I am sick of it, and I think that now is the perfect time for a change. This is going to be my time, my federation, and my home. Now, I know there are some who will attempt to deny me any rights in the HEW, but I do not care. I will send them off the side of the cliff into obscurity, just like I will with anyone else who gets in my path. Now I will freely admit that my record has been less than stellar here so far. I've won my debut match and then promptly lost my second, in a close match. So now it's time for me to rack up or pack up.

Santa Claus now steps back from the slope and walks through the huge drifts of snow, his boots crunching in the snow with every single step he takes. The red Santa parka he has on is in stark contrast to the surroundings, but it makes little difference to him what people think. He is all business, and he's about to continue his quest.

Santa Claus: Nobody, do you think the rest of the world cares about you? Are you truly that much of a fool? I have seen better makeup jobs on the trannies that you like to associate yourself with. Stop acting like an idiot before you hurt yourself. You are and always will be an inferior specimen when compared to me. Even in a side-by-side comparison, I am more talented, far more intelligent and even more charismatic than you could ever dream of becoming. Do not test my patience, because I will not stand for it. I am the King at the North Pole and soon, I'll be the king in the HEW as well. HO HO HO!

Santa Claus taps the side of his head with a smirk as he continues to walk through the snow.

Santa Claus: Ah Nobody.. a man who appears to be just as much of a redneck as his hillbilly parents. I am tired of seeing your tired, broken-down masked face on HEW television. Please remove yourself from it or I will be forced to take you off of it permanently. I will not tolerate morons, and you sir, appear to be one of the biggest morons I have ever seen. Please go back to your sister-wife and leave the wrestling to the real talent... me.

Santa Claus comes to a stop at a small, round rock that is jutting out of the side of this mountain. It appears to have been a natural formation, nothing that a person may have placed here many years ago. The formation is actually melded into this mountain, so it's obvious it wasn't placed here.

Santa Claus: Nobody, everyone knows why you cover your face and dye your hair, it's because you're horrified at the acne scars that cover your face like a dynamite blast. Plus, everyone knows that you were once a chubby little fat kid that was picked on every day of your life. Now that you've stopped overeating and stuffing your engorged face full of food and hit the gym, you somehow think that it means you're going to be a star. You would be wrong, just like you were with everything else in your life.

Santa Claus takes a seat on the snow-covered rock. His breath is visible in this bitter cold. Plumes of white clouds emit from his face as the heat from his mouth meets with the icy cold air.

Santa Claus: Nobody... you're just a mess. You're a man who appears to be more obsessed with himself than a fading, aging actor. The only gold you'll be seeing in your future is the gold ring that your life partner Barry puts around your finger when you two tie the knot in whatever state is left that allows civil unions. I don't care what your plans are in HEW, but I do know that if you and I are in the ring, I will NOT put up with you trying to cop a feel of the monstrous icicle in my pants. That is for women only, friend!

Santa Claus now reaches down and grabs a handful of snow and forces it into a small, hard iceball in his fist, which he then throws over to the side.

Santa Claus: In addition to what I've said, Nobody, you also appear to have an issue with mental imbalances. Don't worry, it isn't your fault. It's all your mother's fault. You see, she slept around with dozens of men before she became pregnant with you. She was quite the harlot, and she spent all of her time on her knees in other people's homes, bathrooms, parking lots and offices. She wound up getting knocked up by a homeless bum and thus, you were born. Don't blame yourself, blame your tramp of a mother. I hear she gave birth to you while she had an STD, which explains why you aren't exactly the smartest guy in the fed. You surprise me.

I came into HEW thinking that I was going to find huge superstars with their name in lights. Instead, all I find are people like you. Sad, pathetic losers who are better off assembling a ring than performing in one. You might as well just cash in the chips now while you can, because jobbing in matches is about as good as it's going to get for you, now that I'm around.

The snow continues to fall, now getting to the point where you can barely see Santa Claus through the thick, misshapen, individual snowflakes that are falling in front of the average viewers scene.

Santa Claus: Lastly, I pity Nobody. He likes to think of himself as a star, but he's more like an asteroid. A piece of crap that the universe spat out in the hopes of expelling it away, and instead, floats around doing no harm, but just being an annoyance. That's what you are Nobody, an annoyance and I'll be more than happy to slap that dumb look off your masked face.. but only if you promise to wash it first. You're going to fail in your quest against me, and I will be stepping up to the plate and becoming the next big thing around here. I and Mrs. Claus are going to make the HEW THE PREMIERE FEDERATION in wrestling and entertainment, so please feel free to jump on the bandwagon. Cheer for us with the rest of the fans, Nobody, because we're on a fast track to the top, and don't worry, I'll be sure to wave at you as you're on your way down to the bottom of the ladder again.

A flash of a grin is all that can be made out.

Santa Claus: All of you boys had better watch yourselves, because after Shockwave, the only thing that will be killed is going to be Nobody's career. HOO HOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!

Santa Claus now turns and walks off as the scene slowly fades out to white.