Santa Claus vs. Wayne Carruthers

[coreycz]

Singles Match
Santa Claus vs. Wayne Carruthers

RP Limit - 2

[Wayne Carruthers]

The latest edition of Wayne’s World begins with Carruthers staring bleakly away from the camera while random chatter can be heard in the background. Behind Wayne is a window depicting beams of quick beams of lights flashing on and off. Apparently Carruthers is inside of a train, which explains the excess amount of subtle contextual noise. Regardless, Wayne finally gives his full attention to the lens and begins his show.

// Wayne Carruthers //
Alright everybody welcome to the fifth episode of “Wayne’s World”. I’m your host Wayne Carruthers and as you can see I’m in a train at the moment. I’m actually going to Philadelphia from New York City because I do have some obligations I need to take care of at the moment. But I just wanted to get back into the swing-of-things by continuing this show because there are so many things for me to talk about. In fact, so much stuff that it would take a three-hour time slot on network television for me to tell you a boring story of my life with corny jokes and theoretical bombs made out of pipes…

Carruthers takes a pause for a few moments, staring into the camera with a deadpan expression before continuing on with the filming of his show.

// Wayne Carruthers //
But anyways, when I got onto the train and finally found a spot to sit, I had the most random thought of recording “Wayne’s World” on this trip because there are a few things that I’d like to get off my chest during the hour of free time on this ride. See, in the next few weeks I’ll be busting my ass traveling from coast-to-coast across the country, ocean-to-ocean from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Now I’m no movie star, so don’t think I’m wrestling in New York one minute and flying to France for an interview, and then going to Hollywood to shoot some B-rated movie. No, no, no… It’s not as if I own eight reindeers and fly all around the damn world… But speaking of Hollywood and reindeers, it’s fitting that at my guest appeareance on HEW’s Shockwave 6, I’m facing Saint Nick himself…

Wayne looks down onto his lap, slowly shaking his head laterally before subtly chuckling under his breath before staring back into the camera lens.

// Wayne Carruthers //
It’s funny that of all the people I’m facing during my guest appearance for Hollywood Elite Wrestling, I’m facing a larger-than-life character that is completely make-believe… Yeah, some dud over in HEW thought it would be beneficial for my career to face an over-the-top schmuck like Santa Claus. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? I mean, this is the type of shit that some fans despise. Trust me. Hell, look back at what happened to our industry during the early half of the nineties. It was sickening, no less ridiculous to see grown men in face paint and running around the ring dressed in a clown costume. A stupid clown suit! And then fast forward over two decades later where you see a low-life hack portraying himself as fucking Santa Claus. Of all people, Santa Claus?! The fat guy in the red suit with the fake beard talking to kids in all sorts of pedophiliac ways?! That guy?! Really now?! That’s fucking insane… Hell, it practically borders on insanity.

Carruthers peels his eyes away from the camera, looking above the lens as if he was interrupted by a bystander. Suddenly, Wayne scrunches his face and shrugs his shoulders, apparently expressing annoyance at a fellow passenger.

// Wayne Carruthers //
I swear it’s as if some of these people have never seen a guy fucking filming himself on his own laptop. I mean, granted I’m in a train with dozens of random strangers but still, ya know? Shit, anyways, back to what I was saying… Oh yeah, I was talking about how it’s so damn ludicrous for me to fly all the way across the country just so that I can earn a payday by facing some senile bastard because he’s now found a way to have children get on his lap at any time he wants. That’s so gross. And not to mention that he literally walks around in that damn suit every day of the week! Have you seen him backstage at a show? Have you seen him before and after a show? I mean, how in the world does a man gain any respect for himself by being some deranged lunatic walking around in a fucking Santa suit? It just doesn’t make any sense!

Taking a breather, Wayne widens his eyes and gestures into the camera by shrugging his shoulders as he expresses his dumbfounded bewilderment.

// Wayne Carruthers //
And I get it. It’s my fault that I’m in this position, and to a point it is. But I’m sorry that I had to go out like a normal person and find a job for me to pay the bills. You don’t see me dressing up and acting like a damn sideshow. I mean, somebody pull him by his fake white beard and tell him that he needs a reality check: this is wrestling. Whether or not you’re in a fat suit underneath all that cheap-ass velvet red cloth, I don’t care. But you have to understand that I’m not going to give you any sympathy just because you happen be a crowd favorite amongst the kids. But trust me, just like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, your shtick amongst your one and only fan base will deteriorate like no other. And yeah, you might have another year or two before they turn on you but just like anything else in this business, you have an expiration date where you’ll finally get a dose of what’s really in front of you when looking at yourself in the mirror. You’re just a silly old man who can’t get hold of the fact that his time between those ropes has faded away long before I was even born. So do us all a favor man, just stop and walk away Hell, do yourself a favor and stop embarrassing yourself. Sure, when you walk toward that ring and you get a microphone in your hand, talking about ho’s and whatnot, it’s a little funny but overall your shit’s getting dry like the stain you probably have from sitting on your ass all day.

Carruthers lets out a sigh, expressing a disappointing grin before continuing to speak his mind.

// Wayne Carruthers //
So look, just show up on May tenth and bring a heavy dose of Percocet pills with you because after I get done with you, I want you to forever be reminded throughout your entire life of my words in this video. I want you to feel that knot in your stomach, as if you’ve been put to shame in front of your peers. I want you to feel embarrassed like a teenage girl in high school, wanting to run away and move as far as possible from any entity that could spot you out in the middle of a crowd and make you feel humiliated. And at Shockwave, you’re going to feel my pain during your walk of shame after our match. Yeah, while my arm is rightfully raised because a real wrestler won his match, you’re gonna return backstage with your head hung low because of the disgracefulness of what you call yourself a wrestler. And on Friday night in front of all the little HEW followers, the folks out in California are going to get a taste of what they’re missing out on. Me. I’m the Wild Thing. And when that bell rings while we’re standing across from each other during the beginning of our match, savor the moment because any scenario involving you being in the middle of any wrestling ring is just a shattered dream and a fake reality -- just, like, you… Later Nick…

Wayne stops his words one more time, staring intently into the camera with his head tilted down and brow expressing a stern look before the show quickly transitions into static until slowly fading into a black screen.